So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
