Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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