I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
