So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
