Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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