now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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