you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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