My liver just broke up with me...
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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