So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
then he tried to convert me to islam
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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