I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
