Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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