and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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