I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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