she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize