I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
