After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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