quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
