We're like a lot better than the average bears
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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