I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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