i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize