You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
