You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
