I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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