i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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