Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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