a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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