I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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