Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
