Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize