and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
