i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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