I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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