I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
