Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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