Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
