theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
