God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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