I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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