So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
