I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
