i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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