you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
