There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize