New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
