She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
