You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
