the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
