Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize