i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
