Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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