the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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