RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
