I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
