you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
