Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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