i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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