upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
