threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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