She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
