Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
