Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
