My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
