So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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