we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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