How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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