Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Pooping to opera.
Randomize