Whatcha textin bout Willis?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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