so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
