You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
