Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
