You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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