Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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